Why Choose Fear?
by L. M. Ward
Summary: So I actually sat down and wrote a fanfiction. It's pretty typical MarkOC, RogerMimi, MoJo and I think it's fairly well written. The rating's for language. Hope you guys like it.
1. Chapter 1: We Begin

December 17th, 4 p.m. Eastern Standard Time

I've always loved Christmas. Yes, I know it's cheesy and ridiculously commercialized. Yes, I know that I'm supposed to be Jewish. But somehow I can't resist the lights and the smiles and the snow and the wrapping paper. It's a great time of year for someone like me, who makes a living out of observing people behind the safety of a glass camera lens. No wonder Roger says I'm detached from feeling alive; it's my job. He's a musician; he's supposed to be in touch with his feelings.

I absolutely can't wait for this Christmas- it's only a few days away now. Christmas is always a big deal in the loft. The last two Christmases stand out a lot. They give me high hopes for this one.

"Close on Mark Cohen, Bohemia's favorite Jew-toy," a voice behind me taunted. "Yet again, standing out in the freezing cold, confirming everyone's suspicions that he is the only guy in New York City with no fucking life."

"Go away, Roger." I don't even have to blink anymore; one of the great constants in this loft is my apparent loss of life and Roger making fun of me for it.

"Fine with me; Mimi's here," Roger's surely having fun with his girlfriend- those two never need an excuse to make out at the times when I'm feeling the most alone. I'm pretty lonely most of the year, in the back of my mind, but it's never more apparent at Christmas time. I hate the season for all the reasons I love it- the smiles, laughter, the happiness. All of my friends wander around like lovesick puppies- except for Collins, who, like me, only has memories of love. Now, if only I was gay; we could hook up and then all the world would be one big love nest for the Bohemians.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm still here.

And then, right on cue, my mother calls. Of course we don't answer it.

"SPEAK!" Roger came up with that some night when he was high and somehow dragged me into it. It just stuck, I don't know why.

"Mark? … Mark? Honey, it's your Mom. Just calling to check in on you… I hope you're managing to eat well out there, you seem to be getting skinnier every time I see you!"

So my mother either thinks that I'm sick or I have to hunt for food, like I'm in the Oregon Trail instead of the goddamn East Village.

"Oh, and I hope you've been managing to keep warm somehow; I know you mentioned before having some trouble with the heat…"

Trouble indeed. Benny's actually been pretty nice about the heat since he ended things with both Mimi and Allison. Allison persuaded her dad to let him stay our landlord, which is good for Benny but drives Roger crazy.

"So, stay healthy, Mark… I love you, honey. Call us when you get this message. Love Mom!"

My mom hasn't been able to get it through her head that HIV isn't communicable. She thinks that Roger, Mimi and Collins, who are more my family than she is, will someday kill me.

Having had enough of ranting about my mother, I turn back to the task of hand- choosing a new film subject.

This is a bit of a tradition with me, too. Whenever I need something to film, I take the camera out to the fire escape and get sweeping shots of the neighborhood around me until it rests on something that captures my focus and inspiration. This might not be the best way to work, but it's done wonders.

The last time I tried it, the camera's focus rested on this guy drumming on tubs and trash cans in the middle of Avenue B. Something about him drew me there, from my little hideaway four floors above his head. Of course, he turned out to be Angel- the best drag queen friend any scrawny Jewish boy could have. My film of her (I can't think of Angel as a him) has gotten me some name recognition around town; occasionally another Villager will throw their two cents at me as we pass.

It takes a while, but eventually the shot rests on a young woman sitting at a table by the window of the pizza joint across the street. She sits alone, with only a pad of paper in front of her, with a massive hat over her head. She gazes out the window and occasionally scribbles something down.

Suddenly, her eyes sweep upward. Via the camera, our eyes meet. She smiles and writes something down.

I don't think I could've moved had Roger not poked his head out.

"Aw, look. Marky's got a new crush. Also known as a lust object. Or a stalkee." Ever since I took him off smack, his new hobby has been to try to make me regret it by harassing me.

"Fuck off, Roger."

"So you've got one already?" He knows me too damn well. "Get inside; I want to see her." His arm yanks me inside with just one more fleeting glance.

Roger shoves me into the chair by the projector and wrenches my "detachable body part" out of my hands. He manages to turn it on without killing it, for which I am incredibly grateful. When her face appears on the screen, I immediately start blushing. Roger notices and begins to smirk.

"Aww… our little Marky's got a crush!" I really hate him sometimes. Roger gets up and looks down the street.

"She's still there you know." I try to act nonchalant as I reclaim my camera, but fail miserably. "Mark." No answer. "Dammit, Cohen! You're the one who preaches 'No Day But Today.' Live by your own goddamn rules for a change. Be alive!" He drags me out of the chair and starts pushing me towards the door.

"But… but…"

"Don't worry; I won't forget my meds. I'll be fine. But you won't be. You haven't been the same since Maureen. You have to go out and find some way to recover. Maybe this girl is your way."

"When did you become so goddamned wise?"

"Since someone slapped an expiration date on me. Now get out of here!"

With that, he threw me and my camera out the door and slammed it shut. He locked it behind him, so I had no choice but to head downstairs and see what I could see.


	2. Chapter 2: Of Juniper and Lamplight

December 17th, 4:15 p.m. Eastern Standard Time

The New York day outside was bitter cold. Days like today no one I know should even be outside. Those who don't have HIV have to worry about giving colds to those who do. I huddle inside my jacket and burrow into my scarf.

I stand outside, trying to map out a plan. She's still sitting in the pizzeria, but how long will that last? I need to go and try to meet her now.

I cross the street and walk by the pizzeria, as nonchalantly as I can manage. As I walk by, I can get a closer look at her, writing something down. She's as pale as me, but a lot shorter. The hat covers her head, so I don't know what her hair is like. She's definitely not as skinny as me (then again, who is?), but it looks like she's lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time. She also has wire-rim glasses around a gorgeous pair of hazel eyes. She looks… well, perfect. I take a deep breath and walk into the pizzeria.

When the door opens, she looks up expectantly. She smiles at me, and then gasps when she sees the camera. She looks up quickly at the loft and then back at me. She knows.

"Were you just in that loft across the street?" she asks, more to herself than to me, but I answer her anyway.

"Yeah, I was." There's an awkward pause that seemed to linger, as both of us try to think of something to say. Finally, she sticks out her hand.

"I'm Maddie Parker. What's your name?"

"Mark. Mark Cohen." Once again, I'm a stuttering idiot. Why am I always so damn nervous?

"Well, nice to meet you, Mark. I'm guessing you're a filmmaker?"

"Yeah. Do you write?"

"Yes, I'd like to call myself a writer one day. For now, I study so one day I can teach."

"Oh yeah? Where? What subject?"

"I'm studying for a degree in music education at NYU. I'm looking to teach choir. Looking for a job, for inspiration." She looked at me. "For love." Any other woman trying that line would have failed, coming off slutty or corny, but Maddie manages.

"A good friend of mine's a professor at NYU. Maybe you know him- Professor Collins? He teaches Computer-Age Philosophy…"

"Oh yeah! I'm in that class. He's wonderful…"

"I can tell you're not a native New Yorker, though I must say you know how to dress for a New England winter," I say, eyeing the long heavy green coat that goes so well with her pale skin.

"I'm from South Jersey." she smiles at me. "You?"

"I grew up in Scarsdale, but don't hold that against me. The less said about them, the better. I don't think I would have pegged you for Jersey." I hate talking about my family, particularly to someone like Maddie, who I bet grew up in a well-adjusted home, unlike the nuthouse where my parents live.

"I won't ask you anymore about your family, then," she smiles knowingly. "You hungry? I haven't had anything to eat yet."

"Uh.." I reach into my pocket, praying I have some money left over from my last check from Buzzline. Crap. Nothing's there. "I don't think I can. I don't have any money."

"Don't worry. I'll get you something." I try to protest. "Mark, you're even skinnier than I am. And from the looks of that building, you probably can't afford much."

"All right," I gripe. "One plain slice, an order of fries, and a small Coke."

She grins. "Now you're talking."


	3. Chapter 3:Kiss Me It's Beginning to Snow

December 17th, 4:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time

We sit, eat and talk in the pizzeria for hours, but it certainly didn't feel like that. I tell her about my life in the East Village, and even before. I tell her about Roger, Mimi, Collins- the people I want her to meet. Most importantly, I tell her about Angel and the disease that killed her. Compared to most people, Maddie takes this news relatively easily, though she is concerned. She asks all the right questions, too.

"Wait a second- you made Today 4 U?"

"Yeah!" I can't believe Maddie knows about my movie. "You saw it?"

"Yeah, Professor Collins showed it to us."

"That's right. I did know he wanted to show it to his class. Did you make the connection that it was about him?"

"Yeah. He's been through a lot of shit. That's why I like him."

Now Maddie tells me of her life in Jersey. She smiles as she paints for me a picture of her parents, her sister, her high school. It's very obvious that she'd be an awesome writer, because she's an amazing storyteller. I just sit and listen as she creates a universe around me. It's obvious she absolutely adores her home and her family.

"I guess you're going to see them soon."

"I wish I could, but I don't know if I can make it home."

"What do you mean?" Maddie's stern glance tells me to drop it. I'm no stranger to family drama, so I'm sure she'll tell me when she's ready.

"I like you a lot, Mark Cohen."

"I like you a lot too, Madeleine Parker."

"We should go," she says, looking at her watch. " It's late, and the waiter's been giving us dirty looks for the past hour and a half. He probably wants to go home to his family."

"Ok. Wanna go up to the loft and meet everyone?"

"Mark! We just met. That's like taking me to meet your mother right after the first date!"

"I wouldn't take you to meet my mother- I wouldn't wish that on anybody."

"Mark- you said it yourself, they're more your family than she is."

I just laugh. And laugh and laugh. Watching me makes Maddie break down, too, and we just sit at the table in silent hysterics.

"Can I ask why you want to teach choir instead of English?"

"Because not only do I fancy myself as a writer, I also have a very long history of singing."

"Do you sing as well as you tell stories?" She blushes almost as furiously as I do. My voice softens, just seeing her blush and knowing that's something else we share. "Because then I think you'd be a perfect addition to the Bohemians."

"When you say it like that, it sounds like a rock group," Maddie grins, and I laugh again. "Seriously though, I do want to meet them, but before we do, there's something I have to tell you."

"What?"

"I may not have AIDS, but I bet I'm as sick as they are. Death is as much a part of my world as it is of yours. I can understand how scared they are because I live the same way, every minute of every day."

"What do you mean?" My throat goes dry as I see Maddie's hand reach for the hat. I know what she means, then, but I don't want to believe it. I don't want to believe that this girl who so completely fascinates me is completely bald.

"Mark, I have cancer."

"Oh my God, Mads…"

"I know…" she breaks down, this time in tears. I walk around the table and hold her. "I've had leukemia for the last two years now. I was diagnosed the day before I graduated high school." _Damn._ "Cancer and AIDS are more alike than you think. Your own body turns on you…"

"And there's no cure," I spat bitterly. I felt terrible then, but when I saw Maddie flinch, it was worse.

"Yes, but you can also attempt to control your symptoms. People with AIDS have AZT, and I have my chemo. Fortunately, my prognosis is pretty good- at least, good enough that I can handle going to school. But I can't set myself off or I might get sick again. I want to live each moment like it's my last." That last sentence rings a bell.

"Have you ever been to Life Support?"

"I have, actually. I just sat in the back and listened, because I don't have HIV, but still, being terminally ill bonds people… seeing your film got me interested. Your work is.. unbelievable, Mark."

"I think we're even now," I smile. "We've each shared our secrets."

"Those things aren't secrets, Mark. They're hardly things to be ashamed of, and, more importantly, they're not who we are. I'm more than a bald head full of chemicals and ideals and you are so much more than a film that people saw and liked. They helped to shape us, but they are not who we are."

"Is that why you came to New York? Because you're… sick?"

"It was a big factor. I go to the hospital every once in a while for a check up, and I can go to college and have the best medical attention in the world in a matter of minutes."

"And you can't even go home for Christmas?"

"No." For a split second, I see tears in her eyes, but she swallows them. "My parents will be coming up soon, though."

"I used to look like this," she says suddenly, hunting through her handbag. She pulls out a crumpled senior portrait. Her hair cascaded down in waves of scarlet, and her whole body was much rounder.

"My 'crowning glory,'" Maddie smiles wistfully at the photograph.

At this point, I stop pitying her. I stop thinking about trying to ease her pain. I just do what my instincts are telling me to- I learn across the table and kiss her. It takes Maddie completely by surprise, but she certainly isn't angry at me. That kiss reminds me of that cheap champagne we drank that New Year's Eve when we broke into the loft. It makes me feel giddy and spontaneous and strangely- alive.

"You're beautiful," I whisper when we part. Maddie grins.

"Thank you," she whispers back. She tilts her head up, and notices our surroundings pale.

"Hey Mark, look! It's snowing!" I smile and tilt my head up to the sky, too. In the clouds that are softly dropping snow on our cheesy little scene, I can almost see Angel's beautiful grin. _Thanks, Ang,_ I say silently.

"Want to go meet the Bohos?" I turn back to Maddie.

"Yeah, let's do it. No day but today."


	4. Chapter 4: A Night in Bohemia

**Author's Note- So huzzah to my reviewers for coming back for more! As promised, here is Maddie meeting with Roger and Mimi, and their reactions.**

**Disclaimer- I don't own these characters, I rent.**

December 17, 11 p.m. Eastern Standard Time

I take Maddie across the street to the loft. I get a little worried about her on the third flight of stairs- for all I know, she might not be able to handle it- but she pulls through and we push on to the top.

"Anybody home?" I yell as I throw open the sliding door. Roger, Mimi, and Collins magically appear out of the woodwork.

"Merry Christmas, bitch! Where've you been, man?" Collins bellows at me and comes to say hello. When he sees Maddie, he stops. "I know you!"

"Hey Professor," Maddie grins.

"What's a student of mine doing out here?" Collins asks with ease. He looks past her to me, his pseudo-stern look telling me that he's still in teacher-mode.

"Marky…" I glare at Roger for using that in front of Maddie.

"Guys, this is Maddie Parker. We met at the pizza joint across the street. Mads, these are Roger Davis and Mimi Marquez, since you already know Collins."

"Man, you're the pizza girl!" Mimi gave her a huge hug. "Roger was just telling us about you."

"And I was just being told about you," Maddie smiles sweetly back at them. "It's great to meet you. It's obvious that Mark is crazy about you guys."

"Well, I can't remember the last time Mark smiled like that when he was sober, so I think he's crazy about you, too," said Roger.

For another forty-five minutes, we all chat together. Maddie, I notice, can hold a conversation with all three. With Roger, she gets in a discussion about sixties' rock (Apparently, Roger is more of an oldies' fan than he lets on). She and Collins gossip about life at NYU.

"So wait," Mimi cuts in on Collins and Maddie, "You're a music major?"

"Music education, technically, but yeah, it's definitely a music class," she smiles.

"Do you play?" Roger joins in- he's always been into fellow musicians.

"I sing," Maddie smiles, a little nervously.

"Oooh, really?" Mimi says. "Can you sing something for us?"

"Sure," Maddie beams. I can tell she's pleased to be asked. She takes a deep breath, opens her mouth and sings us an old show tune- Much More from a show called _The Fantasticks_, a song full of yearning for better things and love- something, I realize, that Maddie must know very well.

_I'd like to swim in a clear blue stream_

_Where the water is icy cold_

_Then go to town in a golden gown_

_And have my fortune told_

Maddie's singing voice is so different from her speaking voice. When she sings, she loses her self-consciousness and pours her soul into her music. She's got an amazing range, with a lot of vibrato. We all stare, openmouthed, amazed by the volume and capacity of her voice.

_Just once! Just once!_

_Just once before I'm old!_

_I'd like to be not evil_

_But a little worldly wise_

_To be the kind of girl _

_Designed to be kissed upon the eyes._

Now Maddie flashes a winsome smile at me and goes off into the faster paced part of the song.

_I'd like to dance 'til two o'clock_

_Or sometimes dance 'til dawn_

_Or if the band could stand it_

_Just go on and on and on!_

_Just once, Just once!_

_Before the chance is gone._

Roger and Mimi buzz with excitement as she hits each high note. Then the melody abruptly slowed.

_I'd like to waste a week or two_

_And never do a chore_

_To wear my hair unfastened so_

_It billows to the floor._

Now she hits a low note that stuns the room. I can see the tears that she's forcing down as she sings about her hair. I wonder if Collins knows her secret, too.

_To do the things I've dreamed about_

_But never done before_

_Perhaps I'm bad or wild or bad_

_With lots of grief in store!_

_But I want much more than keeping house._

_Much more!_

_Much more!_

_Much more!_

Roger and Mimi and Collins erupt into whistles and cheers. Maddie's smile splits her face.

"_Damn!"_ Collins swears softly.

"Mads, that was… _amazing_," I say, pulling her close and softly kissing her.

"Thanks," Maddie beams.

Some time later, Maddie announces that she has to leave. Roger, Mimi and Collins all get up to tell her goodbye, and I walk her out. We stand on the stairs, just out of sight of the loft- I haven't forgotten everything from the days of Maureen. We quickly exchange phone numbers and addresses. Maddie lives off-campus, about a five-minute bike ride from the loft.

"Maddie, do you mind if I tell Roger and Mimi about you and how you're… sick?"

"Sure, if they ask. Collins already knows." I can't imagine how Maddie can be so nonchalant about this, although I suppose that she's become used to it.

"I think they'll notice, dear." I lean in and softly kiss her goodbye. "You'll be all right getting home, won't you?"

"Don't worry about me, Mark."

"When can I see you again?"

"Well, term lets out for Winter Break soon. I'm going to see my parents the day after Christmas, because I haven't seen them in forever. I miss New Jersey so much. I know that sounds weird to you," she smiled, seeing my face. "But South Jersey is so awesome. It's North Jersey that's one big dumpster."

"How long will you be gone?"

"A week?"

"That's a long time."

"I know, I'm sorry. But I really want to stay…"

"I know that too, but Mads…"

"Mark. I'd love for you to come home with me." she says and means it.

"Really?"

"Really. Mark, I've never had a boyfriend before. My parents will fall all over you, just because of that. Plus, you're…. wonderful. You make me so happy, and I sincerely care about you. I think you'd enjoy seeing where I grew up and who I grew up with."

"Of course I will, Mads." I kiss her softly.

"Does this mean we're really together now?"

"I guess so. And I guess you're going to have to meet my family sometime soon."

"Oooh, I'd love to see your family for myself. I bet they're not as bad as you paint them."

"Awesome. And do you think you could come to Christmas dinner at the Life with the Bohos?"

"I don't see why not. See, the Bohemians seem to be just like my friends in high school, with added sex and alcohol." I laugh. "But I don't think wine and beer mixes very well with all the meds I have to take. I've never really asked, but it might not be a good time. Plus, it wouldn't be fun for you to meet my parents for the first time with a hangover."

"Touché. Just… let us know, all right?"

"Sure."

**A/N- So… later chapters include Mark telling the Bohemians about Maddie, Christmas at the Life Café (where Maddie will meet Mo and Jo for the first time, so that should be fun) and Mark meeting Maddie's parents. I must admit that after that I'm a little sketchy on where the story's headed. I've got ideas but I haven't executed them yet.**

**Hit that review button! Think of it as a birthday present for me!**


	5. Chapter 5: A Frank Discussion

I smile as I walk back into the loft. Roger, Mimi and Collins are still sitting on the couches, smiling back at me.

"What did you think, guys?" I say with a smile, trying to hide how nervous I am that they'll reject her. Roger and Mimi give me a thumbs up, but Collins puts his thumb down. He sees my face fall, smiles and says, "Just messing with ya, Mark!" and flips his hand over to a thumbs-up.

"Damn anarchist," I mutter at him. Collins chuckles.

"Mark, that girl is perfect for you…" Roger says, "but… something seems to be… off with her. She's as borderline depressed as you are. Does she have some problem?" Collins looks at me, and nods gravely.

"She's got cancer, guys," I confess. They grow more and more silent.

"She would have gotten along great with Angel," Collins says softly, more to the ceiling than to anyone else. Collins does that a lot these days. We all know who he's talking to…

"Yes, she would have," I smile softly. "They're so alike… Maddie's a writer, and a singer… I didn't think I'd ever meet someone who loved music, and life, as much as Angel did… but now, I have Maddie."

"Cohen… you're very obviously crazy about her… But she's sick, buddy…" Roger shakes my shoulders. "You can't pretend she'll be around forever…"

"Neither will the three of you!" I spit at them, surprising everyone, including me. "You three are not the only people suffering in this loft! I've been standing by you, mothering you, putting on a brave face because you needed it! Damn it," I break down into tears, "I want to know for sure I'm alive. Surely you all know what that means!"

"We do, Mark," Mimi says, softly. "Did you ask her about her prognosis?"

"She's in remission," I nod, thinking back to our talk. "She hasn't had a chemo session in over a month, and she says that her hair's going to start to grow back soon. Meems, she showed me a picture of what she looked like before she lost her hair. You would have loved it. It was bright red, thick and wavy, a bit like yours, and she wore it down past her shoulders. She called it her 'crowning glory.'"

"I'm not sure whether or not to boo that pun," says Collins, shaking his head and chuckling. "She's a very smart girl, Mark."

"I know. Just talking with her for a few hours tells me that…"

"She's one of my favorite students, Mark. Don't screw her up, please."

"I'll do my best not to. I really like her, Collins."

"I can tell. You haven't been this excited about a girl since… well, since Maureen. You've always been the loner of our group. If this girl messes you up the way Maureen did…"

"She won't!"

"He's right," Roger sighs. "I don't think she'd sleep with a woman. But she might die, Mark. That's a bit more substantial than cheating on someone. Believe me, Mark, death can really fuck you up."

"God, why is it that none of you seem to think I can handle death?" I cry. I love my friends, but they frustrate me so much. "All of my favorite people in the fucking world have AIDS! Rog, you're the one who always tells me how I don't live enough. Maddie makes me feel alive. And I thought you'd appreciate that."

"Mark…" Roger tries, but I go to my room and slam the door. Roger doesn't give up like he usually does, though.

"Mark, I'm sorry," Roger says through the door. "I know that it was wrong to say that stuff. But you do understand where I'm coming from here… I know how much it hurts when someone you love… goes away."

"He's right, Mark." Collins' voice shakes with sadness; I can't remember seeing Collins cry since last Christmas. "It hurts… dreadfully. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, Mark."

"I know. But death isn't a guarantee for Mads. She's in remission, Collins, with a good prognosis. She's trying to move on."

"I know. And she's a good girl. She wouldn't mean to hurt you, Mark."

"I know. I invited her to the Life Café for Christmas, and she wants me to come home with her to meet her parents."

"Where do they live?" Mimi asked.

"South Jersey," I say. Roger snorts. "She says it's pretty nice, actually."

"Whatever."

"Roger, you know a Jersey girl would probably kick your ass for saying that," Mimi smiles, ruffling his hair affectionately.

"Are you kidding? Have you looked at her? She's thinner than Mark!" Roger laughs, but stops when he sees me flinch. "You're worried about her, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I guess so…" I sigh, taking my glasses off and rubbing my eyes. "I've known her only a few hours, but I'm going to meet her parents in a few days. I don't know if we're going too fast or not. I think Maddie feels that she'll never get this chance again. I'm her first boyfriend ever."

"She was really into the 'No Day But Today' thing when I showed your film to her," Collins tells me. "The rest of her classmates liked it, but Mads was blown away. She was sobbing so hard, Mark. After it was over, she came up to me, gave me a huge hug and started talking about her chemo and how scared she was."

I can't say I'm shocked, because from what I can tell of Maddie, she's very emotional. If anything, I'm surprised she didn't mention this to me in the pizza shop.

"So what did you do, Collins?" I say.

"Well, I told her that you have to learn to let go of that fear, or harness it and put it to use. Life is no good if you're too scared to live it. I told her how scared I was when I found out I had AIDS, but that it kind of made me love life even more. Thorton Wilder wrote that the only people who really realize how precious life is are the saints and the poets. I think Maddie and I must be like the saints, because we live through such grief and can still enjoy life."

It's here that I just start clapping. I can see that Mimi is crying, and Roger has his arm around her, protectively.

"My God, Collins, thank you," I say, patting him on the back. "Thanks for the perspective."

"Hey, man, I'm a professor of philosophy," Collins smiles, lighting a joint. "It's my job to give perspective."

"Thank you very much, then," I smile.


	6. Chapter 6 In the Life of Friends

**Disclaimer- I'm renting these characters from Jonathan Larson. Only Maddie is mine.**

**Thanks to all the readers who've been following along! I think I may have to use the two-review rule- no updates until I receive at least two reviews.**

December 24th, 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time

Maddie stands in the chilly evening around the corner from the Life Café. She beams at me and I can't help smiling back.

"You ready to meet the rest of Bohemia?"

"Of course. Especially Maureen," she grins. I, of course, am not looking forward to that at all.

"You sure you can handle her? She's a bit overpowering…"

"Mark, I'm not sick enough that she can huff and puff and knock me over." I smile ruefully, quietly observing that Maddie is even scrawnier than me, despite what she said the day we met- a seemingly impossible feat.

"Let's go fatten you up, Mads," I smile affectionately at her, poking her ribs that are obvious even through a big, bulky winter coat. She stares at me, obviously frightened that I can see her weight loss. I reassure her with a kiss, then take her hand in mine and pull her around the corner.

My friends are all huddling just outside the door, as I expected them to be. Collins spots us first, then the others follow his gaze. I note each smiling, familiar face, somehow still searching for the face I have come to dread.

"Maureen's not here yet," Roger grins, reading me like a book.

"No doubt she's trying to come 'fashionably late.' She's the only person I know who actually believes in that," sighs Joanne. She notices Maddie and, in typical Joanne fashion, thrusts her hand forward. "Joanne Jefferson."

"Pleased to meet you," Maddie comes right back with a firm handshake of her own. "Madeleine Parker. But no one's called me that since I graduated high school. I go by Maddie."

"And I go by Joanne." Maddie does her best to swallow a giggle, but miserably fails. Joanne smiles after a few moments too. "Fine, Jo." The two smartest girls I know go into hysterics together over possibly one of the stupidest jokes ever.

"MARKY!" I suddenly get barreled over by none other than Maureen Johnson, who, in typical Maureen fashion, gives me a big kiss. Both Maddie and Joanne instantly stop laughing. Maureen turns around to tease Joanne, but she sees Maddie instead. "Who the hell are you?"

Maddie doesn't answer; she simply walks over to me and laces her tiny hand in mine. Maureen stares openmouthed at our hands, and looks up into my eyes with a mix of shock and hurt. Joanne raises an eyebrow at Maddie, then cracks up.

"Maureen," I say a bit more sternly than I normally would have, "This is Maddie Parker. She's my new girlfriend."

Now, Maureen is an amazing actress. She made me believe that there was no one else in her life when she was sleeping with half the Village. However, she doesn't even try to cover up the pain on her face. It quickly bubbles over into anger and she storms away. Being the whipped ex that I am, I follow her out into the hallway, as does everyone else. That was a mistake.

"Pookie, how could you?" she rails at me.

"Mo, in case you haven't noticed, we're not dating anymore. You broke up with me over two years ago. Did you forget that, or did you think I would just wait here for you?" She doesn't answer my question. Maddie appears by my side again.

"So, what's her dilemma?" Maureen says quietly, glaring past me at Maddie.

"Excuse me?" Maddie and I say together as Joanne scolds her with a "Honeybear!" Even Roger and Collins have stopped laughing.

"Every one in this little family has fucking problems, Mark. There's AIDS, drugs, bad breakups, suicide, homosexuality. What's hers?" Maureen struts over to Maddie, mocking her to her face, poking her visible ribs. "Drug habit? AIDS? Eating disorder?"

"Leukemia," Maddie says simply, and removes her hat.

Maureen's look of shock tops even the one she had been wearing before. She isn't the only shocked one- everyone's a little stunned to see the stark, pale scalp just appear from where her hat had been. Joanne lurches awkwardly forward, and takes Maddie's hand.

"How long?" she croaks.

"A couple of years," Maddie wears a sad smile eerily like my own. "My prognosis is pretty good, though." She gives Mimi a little squeeze. "Still, no day but today. Let's go get wasted!"

This shakes the rest of us out of our daze. We give a little cheer and meander into the café. Before I could go in, Collins grabs me.

"She is so fucking like Angel, Mark," Collins has tears in his eyes and is beaming like a parent who's just watched their kid stand up to a longtime bully. "Ang wouldn't take any shit either."

"I know, I remember the stories." I'm beaming too. "Didn't she knock out someone with her shoe once?"

"Indeed she did," Collins laughs. "Ya know, I bet Ang has one of her sparkly, manicured hands in you two meeting. She always liked you, Mark."

"I know," I smile back at him. "Come on. The craziest girls I know are inside the Life Café together. We gotta keep them from wrecking the place."

Collins laughs, lights his joint and follows me in.

My friends are in the process of moving the tables together. Once again, the maitre d is almost foaming at the mouth with anger.

"Relax, man," Collins tells him. "We've got money, AIDS, and a kid with cancer." The maitre d shoots Maddie a terrified look, while she gives him a pinky wave.

"Oh what the hell, it's Christmas," he mutters and adjourns to the front of the room. We all cheer, and the bartender brings us our customary round of beers. Maddie and I both refuse our drinks.

"Eating for two, Marky?" Maureen sniggered at me. I notice that she doesn't bother with teasing Maddie, who laughs along with the rest of us.

"No, I asked him not to drink. We're meeting my parents tomorrow, and they're crazy enough without nursing a hangover." Another burst of laughter follows Maddie's comment, which makes her beam. I don't know anyone who gets so happy over people laughing at their jokes.

"So, Maddie, what do you do in your spare time? Collins told me you're one of his students," Joanne starts up a conversation, loosened up by the alcohol.

"Yeah, I'm a music education major at NYU. I write and sing in my spare time," Maddie replied.

"Jo, she's really good," Mimi butts in.

"Oooh, sing something for us!" Maureen seems to have forgiven Maddie- she's childlike in her glee. But knowing her as I do, I can tell she's just trying to size Maddie as a competitor- Mo's the only female singer among us, and she loves it. I wonder if there's room enough in Bohemia for two divas.

Maddie smiles, stretches for a moment, then opens her mouth to sing.

_There were bells on the hill,_

_But I never heard them ringing._

_No, I never heard them at all,_

'_Til there was you._

She keeps her eyes on me, which, of course, everyone notices. Collins smiles at me and winks, while Roger elbows me in the ribs. Mimi manages to hush them both.

_There were birds in the sky,_

_But I never saw them winging._

_No, I never saw them at all, _

'_Til there was you._

_And there was music,_

_And there were wonderful roses,_

_They tell me,_

_In sweet fragrant meadows of dawn and dew._

_There was love all around,_

_But I never heard it singing!_

_No, I never heard it at all,_

_Till there was you!_

All of the Bohemians start applauding. I look over at Maureen, who's totally blown away by Maddie's voice. Joanne's in tears, yelling, "Brava!"

I walk up to Maddie and give her a hug and a kiss. "Mads, that was wonderful."

"Thank you, Mark," she beams.

"I think even Maureen's impressed," I say softly into her ear. "I'd say you just kicked her ass." Maddie giggles, and then stops. I turn around, and Maureen is standing behind me.

"Excuse me, Marky," she blows right past me and practically dive bombs Maddie. "Sweetie, you were wonderful!"

"Thanks, Maureen," I hear Maddie say, muffled under my ex's squeals. I chuckle and walk over to see my other friends. Joanne, of course, has one eye on Maureen, but she's more relaxed about it because it seems like she trusts Maddie.

"Nice vocal cords on your girlfriend, Mark," Roger smiles at me, raising his beer in my direction.

"Thanks."

"No, seriously, Mark, she's REALLY good," Joanne tells me in her usual deadpan, wiping her eyes. "She seems like she's got a lot to say."

"Yes, she definitely does," I say, watching Maddie with no small amount of pride. The food arrives, and everyone gets swept up towards the table. Maddie is in the mix like she's been here all of her life, cracking jokes, starting conversations, passing food and smiling like it's her job.

"You really do like her, don't you?" Mimi says, almost amazed at how I can just sit and watch her.

"Yeah, yeah I do." I don't think I realize yet how much I care about her. I can't really put it into words quite yet. Instead, I just sip my tea and eat some of the feast now spread along the table.

Around me, everyone is talking loudly, the alcohol and excitement heightening the volume. Maddie's as giddy as everyone else without even touching the beer. When my friends get really drunk and start jumping around and singing, Maddie laughs and sings right along with them.

Finally the party grinds to a halt when Joanne runs to the bathroom, the alcohol finally having caught up to her. When she returns, we congratulate for holding out longer than last Christmas Eve, then stumble away, loudly singing.

Maddie and I are the last to leave the Life, so we end up paying for the meal.

"Thanks for letting us in again this year," I say to the maitre 'd on our way out.

"Oh, it just wouldn't be Christmas if you guys didn't come in for the night," he smiles benignly at me. "At least there wasn't another riot."

"Merry Christmas," I tell him as I take Maddie under my arm and lead her back to her apartment.

"Mark, thank you for taking me with you tonight," Maddie smiles at me.

"You're welcome. I'm glad you came, too," I smile at her. Maddie grins and kisses me softly.

"Mark, I've never felt this way about a person before. I… I think I love you," Maddie whispers in my ear. The words shock and thrill me through. The whole time I was with Maureen, I was always the initiator. I was the first to say I love you, I was the one who wanted Maureen to love me. To have Maddie make the first move was refreshing and really made me feel good.

"I love you too," I say back without hesitation, looking Maddie in the eye.

"We haven't known each other very long, but somehow I know that much. And I don't want you to meet my parents without knowing why it's so important to me that you see where I'm from. Mark, if my life is gonna be as short as everyone seems to think, I'd like to spend it with you, because you would make me happy. And I hope I can make you close to how happy you make me feel."

"I'm glad I make you so happy," I say, holding her close for a long time. After a moment, my hand falls to her ass. Maddie looks up at me and gestures towards her apartment.

"Do you…?"

"Not tonight, Mads. Tomorrow would be a nightmare for both of us. It'd be even more awkward than it would be under the best of circumstances. But soon, I promise."

"Sure, Mark." she kisses me goodbye. "I'll see you tomorrow." With that she went inside and shut the door, giving me no choice but to turn around and go back to the loft.


	7. Chapter 7: Not that Jewish

Disclaimer- I own Maddie, nothing else.

December 25, 9:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time

The phone rings. Roger, still really hung over from last night's proceedings, groans from the next room- he likes to sleep 'til the afternoon on Christmas Day. Thanks to Maddie's advice, I'm a bit more awake and cheerful than he is, so I put on my glasses and wait to hear who's calling.

"SPEAK."

"Hi guys, it's Maddie. I love your voice mail message! Just wanted to talk to…" I cut her off here.

"Hey Mads."

"Mark! Merry Christm... I mean, Happy Hanukah!"

"Relax, Mads. I'm not THAT Jewish. Merry Christmas."

"Thanks. Did I wake you?"

"No, but you woke Roger." He's still cursing in his room, but Mimi's getting him to quiet down.

"Tell him I'm sorry."

"Will do. When do you want to leave?"

"Around ten, I guess. It only takes a couple hours if you time it right, so we'll probably be home by lunchtime. Then we'll eat lunch, hang out, open presents-"

SHIT. I don't have a present for her.

"Mads-"

"Mark. Don't feel obligated to get me something. We met a week ago, and I know far too well that money's tight for you. If you must get something, be as cheap as possible."

"But are you getting me something?"

"I made you something, Mark. It cost me nothing, so…"

"All right. Do you still want me to meet your parents?"

"If you're up for it. I think my parents are pretty likeable, but maybe I'm weirder than I thought. They're pretty liberal and well-educated AND not wealthy enough that they'll look down on starving artists."

"Wow."

"Yeah. That's why I love them. My sister's coming too- she's just like me, except she's a sixteen-year-old blonde tomboy who's as skinny as you. Some birds have all the luck."

"What's her name?" I don't point out that she's as skinny as I am, too.

"Viv. She's pretty cool. I think you'll like her."

"One of these days, you're going to meet everyone else that's important to me. And my parents, too."

"Poor Mark. Family issues are tough."

"Yep. Hey, would you like to go up to Scarsdale before you go back to school?"

"You want me to meet your parents?"

"Yeah, I'd really like that, Mads." Actually, I'd rather not go home at all, but it would be nice if Maddie met my mom. As for my dad… I try to communicate with him as little as possible- he's the reason I haven't been back more than anything else.

"Well, great. I'd love to come. You've packed, right?"

"Yes, dear."

"OK, smart ass. I'll see you at ten."

"Alright, Mads. Merry Christmas."

We hang up, and I walk out of my room. Roger's sitting up in bed, smirking.

"Power? On Christmas? I didn't think we'd changed landlords."

"Benny's not that bad, Rog. I know he sold out…"

"-And stole my girlfriend-"

"-He didn't steal your girlfriend," I retort. "They had a thing before you two met, but he gave her up- and gave up 'Muffy.' What more do you want?"

"I don't know, man…" Roger is actually honest this time. Mimi gives him a big kiss to remind him who's her man. I smile and change the subject to something less volatile.

"Maddie apologized for waking you up." Roger grins.

"Aw. She's as apologetic and dorky as you are. Good work, Cohen. The nerd will live on."

"Thank goodness for that," I laugh. Roger forgets how I revel in my nerdiness.

"So you're going to The Dumpster today?" Roger smiles as he pours himself some coffee.

"Yeah, I'm meeting her parents at their home. Maddie wants to show me every inch of where she grew up. I'm not coming home 'til after New Year's. And then she wants to meet my mom."

"Wow, your relationship's really intense, isn't it?" Mimi says.

"We've known each other three weeks. You and Rog were making out when you'd only really known each other two hours," I point out.

"Touché," Mimi smiles at me.

"But Mads' really into that whole 'No day but today' thing, Meems. I'm not really sure how sick she really is, but still, she's very aware of her mortality. She seems to want to see it all."

"So, have you figured out how you can bring a _shiksa_ into your mother's house?" Roger reminds me of the even bigger problem with Maddie and my mom.

"Not really. I really don't want to play the 'She's-got-cancer' card, because then she'd be even more freaked out. And I don't feel like lying about it to my mother."

"Mark, don't lie to her. If your mother disowns you over Maddie, the worst you get is a lot less messages on our answering machine."

"That's true, but she is my mother, Rog. Much as I can't stand them, I don't care to be completely disowned. But if that's what it takes…"

"My God, Mark, you're in love with her, aren't you?" Rog looks at me, amazed.

"Yeah, yeah, I am."

"Wow…." Mimi stares at me like some exotic beast in the zoo. I don't think she can believe that I actually ever could love somebody- she doesn't remember me in the Maureen days. In the beginning, I almost never came home- I followed Maureen around like a lovesick puppy dog. Then came the long nights when I'd sit by the phone, trying to figure out where the hell she was. She didn't really start screwing around until after we'd slept together- that wasn't great for my already scarred ego.

I wasn't ever really in love with Maureen- I loved the idea of her more than the flesh and blood woman. I loved her spirit, her freedom- but only in moderation. Without even realizing it, I had outgrown Maureen, and she sensed that. That was, ultimately, why we went our separate ways.

Being in love with Maddie isn't the same at all. Being in love with Maddie changes my whole perception on life. When I was with Maureen, I didn't see the world the way I do now. There's so much more beauty to appreciate now. Sounds cliché-d, but it's truer now than ever before.

"Mark- go on out, lover boy!" Mimi teases me, and begins to fake sing Les Miz as I hurry to get in the shower and on my way. "It's better than an oooo-pera!"

"Since when do you know Les Miz?"

"Since when can you recognize it?"

"Maureen," we say together, and laugh.


	8. Chapter 8: More than Just Holding Hands

**Disclaimer- Jonathan Larson's estate owns RENT, Andrew Lloyd Webber owns his musical _Song and Dance_, I own Maddie and the rest of the Parkers.**

**Author's Note- So we're at Chapter Eight now! This is the chapter where Mark comes home with Maddie and meets her family. Most of these crazy people are based on my own family and friends. Let me know if it's too long, or too much.**

December 25, 10:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time

I walk the three blocks to Maddie's apartment. She also lives in a loft, in a building very similar to our own, without the sadistic landlord. I call her from the phone booth nearest her door, juggling my suitcase, camera and her present.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me."

"Mark!" She sounds really happy to hear from me. "Where are you?"

"The phone booth." I look at her window, and see her, her back to the window. "Turn around, Mads… and look down to the street!" We waved at each other.

"Wanna come up before we drive out?"

"Sure. Throw down the key, Mads."

She walks out on the fire escape, and tosses the key. I catch it easily, and quickly go inside- Collins has taught me that much.

I find myself at the top of the three flights of stairs pretty rapidly, where Maddie ushers me into her apartment. Theatre posters cover the walls, and books and sheet music are piled all around. She's more Bohemian than I thought. I put down my suitcase, place the camera on a sturdy-looking pile, and let roll a little.

"Merry Christmas Mads." She's actually wearing a wig today- it's red and wavy, just like that picture she showed me. She also has a green dress on and looks really pretty.

"Merry Christmas."

"What's with the wig?" She's visibly uncomfortable and gives it an annoyed glare, which is a little comical.

"I hate it a lot, but my parents asked me to wear it. They aren't really comfortable with seeing me bald."

"It looks just like that picture you showed me."

"Yeah, I know. It's my old hair. My high school choreographer made it for me."

"What?"

"I know that sounds weird. But Mr. Kelly just loved my hair so much he cut a bunch of it off for me before I started chemo and made a wig out of it. It looks just right, but I don't think M.K. realized how itchy they are without real hair underneath them."

"I bet," I say, coming forward and giving her a hug and a kiss. She smiles and snuggles into my arm, then breaks away like a little girl on Christmas morning- which, of course, she is.

"Now, Mark, I'm going to give you your present!"

"All right," I smile. Maddie soon reappears with a large bag, which she hands to me.

"Mark, I promised you I'd make you something…"

Inside the bag is a medium-sized canvas. I turn it over, and find a charcoal drawing of me and my camera. Maddie must have drawn it from memory, because she's probably seen me working maybe once. Scrawled next to it in Maddie's indescribable handwriting are the lyrics to an old Broadway song, called Unexpected Song.

_I have never felt like this_

_For once I'm lost for words_

_Your smile has really thrown me_

_This is not like me at all_

_I never thought I'd know_

_the kind of love you've shown me_

_Now no matter where I am_

_No matter what I do_

_I see your face appearing_

_Like an unexpected song_

_An unexpected song_

_That only we are hearing_

_I don't know what's going on_

_Can't work it out at all_

_Whatever made you choose me?_

_I just can't believe my eyes_

_You look at me as though_

_You couldn't bear to lose me_

_Now no matter where I am_

_No matter what I do,_

_I see your face appearing_

_Like an unexpected song,_

_An unexpected song_

_That only we are hearing._

_I have never felt like this_

_For once I'm lost for words_

_Your smile has really thrown me_

_This is not like me at all_

_I never thought I'd know_

_the kind of love you've shown me_

_Now no matter where I am_

_No matter what I do_

_I see your face appearing_

_Like an unexpected song_

_An unexpected song_

_That only we are hearing_

"Wow…"

"That just reminded me of us somehow, Mark, of how you make me feel. I've never met a guy who makes me feel the way you do. It scares me, almost, how you can love me so much when I… don't know how we can have the happily ever after I've always read about."

"Mads…."

"Mark, I'm scared. I don't know how much my cancer will affect us. You've never seen me sick, Mark. Cancer's hell, Mark, and I don't know if I'll ever get out and away from it. I don't want to hurt you if something happens. You're too good for that."

"Mads, don't worry so about it. I won't desert you. I promise."

Maddie and I nuzzle each other and cuddle affectionately for a few moments. Finally we move a little farther apart, so I can give her my present.

"Here's my present for you, Mads, though I must admit the theme is similar." Maddie quickly unwraps and admires the framed collage of still shots of my films of Maddie and me. There's one of us laughing together, another of us holding hands. There's a shot of us in Strawberry Fields- Mads is a HUGE John Lennon fan- and another of us kissing. I managed to also freeze the shot I took from the balcony of Maddie writing in the pizzeria. Beside it I added one of my favorite pictures of me, just to balance it out.

"Aw, Mark…" she hugs me again and notices the shot of her at the pizza shop. "Was that one from the day we met?"

"Yeah. I don't think I ever showed those to you…"

"It's a pretty good shot."

For a few moments, we settle into a comfortable silence, with Maddie curled up in my arms. Then a beeper goes off. I open my mouth, ready to remind Roger to take his AZT, but then I realize that he's at the loft. Instead, it's Maddie who needs to move.

"Excuse me, Mark. I need to take my meds." She wriggles away, and I calmly go to the sink and pour her a glass while she hunts for her pills.

"You seem very used to this, Mark," Maddie observes as she takes the glass from me.

"I've been helping Roger with his pills for almost two years now. I kind of went on autopilot when your beeper went off. Mads, are you okay?" She's looking a little off-color.

"I'm fine, Mark," she smiles, seeing my worried look. "The pills always make me a little woozy. There's a reason why they tell you not to drive after taking meds."

"On that topic, do you want me to drive?"

"That'd be nice." Maddie almost never uses her car, but she still keeps it specifically for her trips home.

"You ready, Mads?" I say, grabbing my stuff.

"I think so." We walk down the stairs together, and get in Maddie's little sedan, after putting our things in the back seat. She has a Stevie Wonder tape playing in her car, and I don't object.

"I'm really sick of Christmas music right now," she smiles.

"I hear you. New York is practically the Christmas caroler capital of the world. And I don't even like Christmas carols- I mean, I'm Jewish!"

"I know, I know. I actually liked Christmas carols- before I moved to New York. It gave me an excuse to walk around singing when I was younger, before I realized I didn't need an excuse. Plus, my parents are sure to be playing Christmas music to beat the band."

We spend the rest of the drive laughing and talking and singing anything but Christmas carols.

Finally we get to Maddie's hometown in South Jersey- a traditional suburb, with just a little bit of artsy twist to it. She's so happy to be home she almost sticks her head out the window like a dog to see it again. I have to pull her back so she doesn't make herself sick.

When we get to her house, I can tell almost as soon as Maddie can. Her house is a bit more eccentric looking than her neighbors'- it's two different shades of green and covered in ivy. As soon as we pull up, Maddie drags me out of the car, up the stairs and onto the porch, throwing open the door. She pulls me into the entrance hallway, and I take my first look around Maddie's childhood home.

It makes sense in the context of Maddie's life. The room is old-fashioned but stylish, with a lot of class. A fire roars in the corner, with a cat snoozing nearby. Maddie's parents, getting up from where they had been sitting on the couch, smile benevolently at me. Her sister, stretched out on the floor, is as tall and thin as Maddie described. I put down my suitcase.

"Mark, this is my mum and dad, Nick and Amy Parker, and my sister Viv. Family, this is Mark Cohen. He's my… my…" Neither of us can think of a good noun for me. Am I really her boyfriend?

"Ah, so he's your…your…" Her dad trails off too as he survives one of Maddie's bone-crushing hugs. He knows what we mean. "And what do you do, Mark?"

"I'm a filmmaker," I say, as always gesturing to the camera in my hand. There's an awkward pause after this.

"Dad, do you remember that movie we saw a few years ago? It was called Today 4 U and was about a drag queen with AIDS?" Maddie comes to my rescue.

"Why yes…"

"I made that." Maddie's parents turn around, shocked to hear me say this.

"You're kidding!"

"No, I'm not."

"Maddie," her mother puts in, "You didn't tell us he was famous!"

Maddie and I both start laughing.

"I'm hardly famous," I smile at them. "I just have a little name recognition now. Otherwise, I'm still plain old Mark Cohen."

"And I wouldn't have it any other way," Maddie smiles at me.

I sit on the couch next to her parents. Maddie leaves the room, and I'm left with her parents, who begin quizzing me again.

"So where did you go to school, Mark?"

"I went to Brown University, where I majored in film." I don't mention that I never got my degree.

"Oh, my goodness! That's Ivy League! And, as you know, our Maddie's going to NYU."

"Yes, I know. One of my best friends is one of her professors. You know, he's in my film too."

"Is he really?"

"Oh yes. He's Collins."

"The philosopher?" I nod. "Wow, that's pretty cool. How's he doing?"

"He's doing pretty well. His T-cell count is pretty high and he's fairly active."

We settle into another silence, this one not quite as comfortable as before. Suddenly, Maddie comes back with another conversation starter.

"Mum, Dad, I told you how Mark and I met, didn't I? He was filming and I was writing inside this restaurant across the street, and he came in the shop and we just started talking…"

"I had actually noticed her when I was filming from my fire escape. I could barely see her, but… I was drawn to her somehow." Maddie beams, and her parents exchange huge smiles. I seem to be on a roll. "Then I went looking for her."

"I recognized you right away, I guess from the movie, but I didn't realize that at the time. I felt like I knew you all my life; I still do." Maddie takes my hand in hers, and I shiver at the touch of her always-icy hands. She smiles at me again, her whole face lighting up like a beacon. Her smile's in her eyes, warm and soft, and all over her face, reddened from the cold. I pull her to me and hold her close.

Maddie's father stares pointedly at the closed pocket doors separating her living room from the rest of the house. Maddie goes to open them, and is suddenly bowled over by a swarm of people screaming, "SURPRISE!" She's swallowed up in this crowd of people hugging her and kissing her. Her smile is as wide as I've ever seen it as she greets every familiar face. Finally, the crowd reaches me.

"Everyone! Everyone!" Maddie can really holler when she wants to, as she grabs me by the arm and pulls me in. "Guys, I'd like you to meet Mark Cohen… my boyfriend!" There's no small amount of pride in her voice. Immediately, I hear forty-something people cheer into my ear and I almost get trampled by crazy relatives.

"Oh, Maddie's told me so much about you over the phone!"

"It's nice to finally meet you in person, Mark!"

"I can't believe Maddie finally got herself a boyfriend!"

Those are the kinds of things that I hear from the people surrounding me. I think I must meet every single person Maddie had ever mentioned to me from her old life- and many more that she had not previously mentioned. But I think the most striking person is a tiny, thin woman who taps me on the shoulder halfway through the evening.

"Yes?" I ask her, straightening my glasses as I turn from Maddie's former boss.

"I'm Colleen Favuzzi," she smiles at me, speaking in the thickest Philadelphia accent I've ever heard. "Maddie's cousin."

"Oh, well, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Mark, her boyfriend," I say, about to turn around again, but she grabs me again.

"I just wanted to let you know… I'm a cancer survivor myself… and I'm a nurse in the hospital where Maddie used to go for treatment."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, and… actually, I was wondering if I could speak to you in private about Maddie's condition." Without waiting for my reply she heads up the stairs to the second floor of the house. I follow her there.

"Mark, how serious are you about my cousin?" she asks me as soon as I set foot in the hallway.

"Very. I love her."

"After only three weeks?" She's skeptical to the point where I feel defensive.

"Yes, I'm sure of it."

"Have you ever asked Maddie about her condition?"

"Not really. I don't really know a whole lot about leukemia."

"Well, I'll tell you. Maddie has a kind of cancer that you get as a child- except she didn't get it until she was seventeen. That means her body was too mature for the drugs that are usually used. It can't be treated in her like it normally would be. The fact Maddie's lasted this long is a miracle," she tells me bluntly.

"Oh, well…"

"I'm not saying this to scare you. I don't think I've ever seen my cousin this happy outside of a theater, but I thought you should know."

"Well, okay, I'll keep that in mind." Finally I escape, and find Maddie with a lot of family and friends around a piano, singing and laughing with them. So _alive._ How can she possibly be dying?

I brush these melancholy thoughts away. This world is so filled with laughter, music, so noisy, that I can't concentrate on my own troubles. Relatives ask me loud questions, offer me food, beer. I watch her, laughing, smiling, hugging, talking.

Colleen was right about one thing, anyway. She is happy- happier than I've seen her before. And in that moment, whether she has months or years to live doesn't really matter anymore.

That night, I continue to meet more people than I've ever met in one sitting before. Everyone's talking loudly around me, and many people are drunk. My family's parties were never like this. As at the Life, Maddie and I just sit and watch all the drunken antics, not taking part in any of them. Maddie's enjoying herself, but I can't seem to shake what Colleen had said out of my mind.

Eventually, the party fizzles out, and all the relatives and friends are packed into cars and sent home. Maddie waves goodbye, laughing and smiling, and I'm as awkward as ever.

Fortunately, she notices this and gives me a long kiss, just when I need it most. We don't break apart until Maddie's mother takes a photo of us, telling her husband to follow her in a loud whisper. We even give a little bow for the occasion.

Finally, we bid each other good night, and are sent off to separate bedrooms. I can't help but think that this is one of the best Christmases I've ever celebrated- outside of Alphabet City, anyway.

**A/N: Sooooo…. Whatdja think? Any questions, comments, concerns, queries, quotes, quarrels? (To be said in one breath.) Phew! That button's right there… the bottom right hand corner…. Press it… you know you want to….**


	9. Chapter 9: Take a Sad Song & Make it Bet

December 26th, 1991 8 a.m., Eastern Standard Time

I wake up in Maddie's house. I put on my glasses and look around the room that I'd been shunted into last night. It's small and rather plain, no posters or anything like that. Boring.

I climb out of bed and walk out into the hallway. The room next to me has a huge sign on it that says "MADDIE'S ROOM." Quite subtle.

I walk in and find… basically what I had already seen in her apartment- a small cluttered space with books and music everywhere. The bed's already made- Maddie's an early riser. On the walls are posters of youth theatre and high school musicals, some photographs of the Beatles, and one framed poem, typed in newsprint, only a few lines long. It's by Billy Collins, Maddie's favorite new poet, and titled CANCER. The words somehow express the shock I felt that day- not so long ago- in the pizzeria.

_When you need to say the word,_

_it cowers in the back of your vocabulary_

_behind some outdated slang._

_And if you try forcing it into the mouth_

_It lodges in the throat like a fishbone._

_My father cannot say it yet._

_The old man cannot even hear it._

_He pretends I am saying "campfire."_

I turn suddenly, and find Maddie standing behind me, steaming mug of tea in her hand, looking up at the small framed poem. She sees me and smiles.

"Isn't Billy Collins a genius?" she nearly whispers, her voice full of awe. It's the kind of voice you use to whisper sweet nothings.

My throat is dry, so I can't speak above a whisper myself. "Colleen told me… about your… condition." Maddie looks down at the floor. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Ever since I was in high school," Maddie says, without smiling, still staring at the floor, "I've wanted to change the world. First I wanted to go to med school and become an oncologist- yes, even before my diagnosis. Then I wanted to be a social worker, or a politician, or an activist. I'd get into these righteous political and moral debates with people, come home upset, and my mum would say to me, 'You can't change the world, Mads.' But I always tried to. Even now…" She looks up at me. "I'm seeing the foreshadowing, Mark. I'm probably going to die young, but I'm still trying to rewrite the ending, you know?"

I nod, because I feel the same way. I certainly don't want Maddie to die, in the same way I don't want Collins, Roger or Mimi to die.

And then it hits me. _Maddie doesn't have to die._

"Mads," I take her hand. "Let me be your organ donor."

"What?" she turns around, a little stunned. "You'd do that for me?"

"If you relapse, then yes, I will donate whatever I can. Blood, kidneys, whatever."

"Oh my God, you really do love me," Maddie whispers, then kisses me. Neither of us want to let each other go, but finally, it's Maddie who pulls away.

"Come on. Mum's got a feast for us downstairs, and I want to show you everything I love in this town." She doesn't wait for my reply, just pulls me down the stairs.

**A/N: And the "Keep Maddie Alive" Club goes wild! It was short, but purposeful. Hope you all liked it! And coming in later chapters- Mark's parents make their customary appearance…**


	10. Chapter 10: Old Friends

**A/N- Well, here we are again, and at Chapter 10! Who would have thought I could stretch out the saga this long- and no sex or drugs yet, either! Anyway, thanks to my readers who come back for more each time. (There still aren't as many as I like yet, but I can't help that, now can I?) **

**Chapter 10- Old Friends**

December 26th, 1991 8:15 a.m. Eastern Standard Time

Maddie's parents lounge in the kitchen and living room. They both look different from the couple I met at yesterday's festivities when they're lying around in their pajamas. Maddie's mum looks especially different, because she's not wearing any makeup- yesterday she had at least a gallon of mascara over her blonde eyelashes. I can understand why- people have been asking me about whether or not I'm albino since I was old enough to answer. Her dad is hidden behind a newspaper.

"Good morning," Maddie says cheerfully to her parents. Her parents both look up at us then.

"Oh hello, Maddie, dear. Hi Mark," Maddie's mum adds me on as an afterthought. Yet another awkward silence falls over us.

"What are you two planning to do today?" Maddie's dad asks, looking over his reading glasses at us.

"I wanted to show Mark the town. You know, all my favorite places."

"Mads, it's the day after Christmas. How many of them will be open?"

"Joe's, church, the theatre, I talked to Val about the Garden yesterday, Mary Alice wants to see me…" Maddie counts on her fingers until her parents stop her.

"OK, OK, you win. Get some breakfast and then get dressed."

Maddie leads me through the hallway down into the kitchen. It's a little cramped, as is most of the house, but it's certainly more homey than my own home environment was. "You want something, Mark? Cereal? Fruit?"

"Well, I-"

"Actually, I made you guys breakfast already, Mads," her dad cuts me off. "I don't know if Mark likes this stuff, but I made all of Maddie's favorite things." Maddie's eyes light up as she takes in all the different foods- as far as I can see, omelets and some dish involving potatoes and cheese, as well as cut-up strawberries, bagels and two steaming mugs of tea. My mouth waters, too.

"Let's split it," Maddie grins mischievously at me.

So we do. It's adorable, in a unicorns-and-fuzzy-kittens-dancing-under-a-rainbow way. Maddie's parents are watching us again, which makes things more than a little awkward. Maddie and I still aren't comfortable enough with each other yet to show off all of our gross eating habits just yet, so breakfast is mainly just us eating, with tiny conversations about what foods to eat. (Turns out the weird potatoes-and-cheese dish was Irish and amazingly good.)

Finally, we finish eating. We don't go get dressed yet, though- that's a subject even more awkward than gross eating habits. We kind of just stare at each other for awhile, each of us trying to rustle up enough courage to make this first move.

"So…" Maddie tries, and the rest of her sentence dies on her lips.

"Yeah…" I say, and we get up and walk up the stairs, where I grab my suitcase and head for the bathroom, while Maddie heads for her room.

Ten minutes later, we meet again in the hallway, both dressed in winter clothes. Grinning at each other, we walk back downstairs, wave to Maddie's parents, and head out the door. I'm about to turn for the car, but Maddie continues the other way.

"We're walking, Mark," she says. "Everything we're going to just now is just a few blocks away. Besides, it's more fun this way."

And with that, we headed down the block. We passed Maddie's church, but we didn't turn towards it.

"We'll hit that on the way back," she informed me.

Instead the first landmark we actually stopped in was the local library.

"I sort of lived here in elementary school," Maddie smiles at me as we walk inside. Right away I see people rushing up to greet Maddie. She hugs all of them, and introduces me. After about twenty minutes or so of Maddie waxing nostalgia, we finally leave and keep walking up the main street, past a large park and finally up to Maddie's middle and high schools. She leads me to her favorite place in the whole complex- the theater.

It's exactly what I had always imagined from Maddie's wistful tales. Not baroque, but not modern. Not huge, but not tiny.

Amazingly, there are people here too- people that scream when they see Maddie and practically tackle her. They're much more warm and friendly to me, and I'm more at home with them- there is a man amongst them wearing what I recognize as character shoes from all those years with Maureen. Immediately I can tell that this is a guy that I can talk to.

Just as I walk up to greet him, Maddie practically dive-bombs this guy, giving him a huge bear hug.

"Mark, this is M.K. M.K., this is my boyfriend."

M.K. then gives me a huge hug. This seems to be the traditional response to Maddie introducing me as her boyfriend. Maybe Maddie was as undeniably single as she tried to tell me.

After we leave the theatre, we continue to wander around her town. There's a frozen-looking park across the street, and we walk along it, Maddie wrapped in my arms. Everywhere we go, people rush up to Maddie, hugging her. This is another thing I've noticed- between both Maddie and all of my friends with AIDS. Right after you get diagnosed, your whole life changes. Not only is your body driving you nuts, but complete strangers are hugging you and your most trusted, respected friends begin to resent you.

Our adventures eventually lead us into Maddie's car, where we drive back down the street that we just walked down. When I protest, Maddie stops me.

"Mark, I want to show you where I worked. Not all of my childhood was so warm and fuzzy."

We drive on for about five minutes or so, and then we seem to cross an invisible line. Immediately, the homes surrounding us go downhill. Poverty is everywhere.

"Mark, welcome to Camden."

"Camden?"

"Camden, New Jersey. One of the poorest, most dangerous cities in the United States. This is where I worked and volunteered from fifth grade to my senior year."

"Really? Doing what?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me."

"I worked as a gardener." The image of Maddie working outside, slaving over a flower bed is one I quite enjoy. "See, I knew you wouldn't believe me."

"No, I believe you. It's just not what I would have guessed."

"Good to know we still have some surprises in our relationship."

Within ten minutes, we're at the gate outside the garden. I can tell it would be nice in the summer, though right now it's mostly dead. However, the wind whips us right in the face, and most of the garden is outside.

"Uh, Mads? I'm freezing, and I won't let you catch a cold."

"God, Roger wasn't kidding when he said what a mother hen you are! Don't worry. The place I want to take you is not only inside, but it's warm." Relieved, I follow her into the gift shop.

Once again, Maddie is accosted by more people who know her. These people are slightly different from most of the others I've seen her with today, though- they seem more diverse, more worldly than Maddie's friends from theatre and school. Most of them, Maddie tells me, are young people living in poor areas. Only a handful of them go to college and only Maddie has gone out of state for school.

Maddie leads me to a greenhouse about a hundred yards from the gift shop. We have to book it across this space because of the cold. Once we get inside, however, my glasses immediately fog up due to the amazing heat and humidity of the building. Maddie hands me a paper towel to wipe off my glasses, as she is already doing.

The boy standing inside begins to make some speech about the rules of this House, but stops when he sees Maddie. He starts smiling from ear to ear, and gives Maddie a high five.

"How are you, Craig?" she says to him.

"I'm fine Maddie, I'm fine." I can tell just from watching this boy that he is a little bit retarded. He then sees me and stops smiling. "Who's this?"

"Craig, this is-"

But Maddie gets cut off when someone bellows, "MADDIE-POO!"

I turn to see a scrawny black man heading towards my girlfriend. "How are you, little darling?" he says in an almost Southern drawl.

"I'm pretty good, Carlos. Yourself?"

"I'm doin' fine, Maddie-poo, just fine."

"Mark," Maddie turns to me, "These are Craig and Carlos, two of my old co-workers. Guys, this is Mark Cohen, my boyfriend." Craig's smile fades, but Carlos' grin gets even bigger.

"Awww, sookie, sookie, now!" he catcalls at us. "Maddie-poo's got herself a boy-friend!" He then shakes my hand quite easily. Craig then follows suit, not quite as enthusiastically as he greeted Maddie. I seem to have entered an awkward place, as he obviously adores Maddie.

"So what brings you back here, Maddie-poo?" Carlos beams at her. "Home for the holidays?"

"Yeah," Maddie smiles. "I thought I'd show Mark where I worked all those years."

"How's your…" he stops and stares pointedly at Maddie's hat.

"I'm in remission, prognosis is pretty good. Looks like you won't be rid of me just yet," she smiles. "I'm going to take Mark on the grand tour of the Butterfly House."

"Good, good. You wanna make the speech?"

"Yep." She turns around to me and suddenly gets overly professional, like an obnoxious tour guide. I can't help but laugh. "Good morning! My name is Maddie and I want to welcome you to the Philadelphia Eagles Butterfly House. Please watch where you walk, as butterflies sometimes land on the ground and I don't want you to step on them. Please don't touch the butterflies. If they land on you, remember that butterflies don't bite, sting or go to the bathroom on people, so they can't hurt you, but you might hurt them. Let me know if you have any questions and if you like what you see, please make a donation on your way out!" She then triumphantly pulls me inside the actual House.

I don't think I've ever seen this many butterflies in one place before. There are literally dozens of butterflies flying all around me. I look over at Maddie and she's as amazed by them as I am.

"I forgot how much I love this place," she sighs, a bit choked up. "Butterflies seem like such a metaphor for me. Did you know an adult butterfly only lives a week in the wild? Yet they spend that week just making people smile, because everyone likes butterflies. That's what I want my life to be like. All I want is to make others happy when I have the chance. If I'm not going to be around very long, then I don't want to fuck around. I want to make it count. I live each moment as my last."

Just like every other philosophical moment Maddie has, all I can do is hold her close, kiss her cheek and whisper "I love you" in her ear. Maddie giggles and pulls me in for a real passionate kiss. Like all of our best romantic moments, the kiss is broken by spectators cheering- in this case, not only Carlos and Craig but several other employees who have come in to say hello. Everyone is laughing, smiling and one especially beautiful butterfly lands on me. I know that it's Angel again, sending me congratulations.


	11. Chapter 11: Something About Always

Chapter 11- Something About Always

December 26th, 1991 1 p.m., Eastern Standard Time

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone except Maddie and her family and friends.

Maddie and I return to her parents' house for lunch. I did not expect us to be back so soon. Neither, I think, did Maddie's parents. They're in the living room, having a loud argument. Maddie and I stop dead when we realize that they are fighting about us.

"He's a nice boy, he'll be good for Maddie-"

"Diane, they've only known each other for three weeks! How can we know if he'll be good for her or not? How can she know if he'll be good for her or not?"

"She seems pretty certain, Tim…"

"Diane, you know Maddie as well as I do. You know how many times she's made the wrong decision. I just think they're going too fast."

"I think Maddie isn't sure if she'll get this chance again. I'm not sure if she'll get this chance again."

"I don't think that should be an excuse for her to be in a relationship in a man she hardly knows!"

Here I look over at Maddie to gauge her feelings, but I realize that she's gone inside to break up the fight.

"Who do you think you are, to bicker about my choice of men?" Maddie's completely livid. "I haven't known Mark for a long time, that's true, but I know him better than any other man I've ever met. I love him, he loves me. Why do you need to question us beyond that? He is my choice, not yours. And if my life is to be as short as you two seem to believe, wouldn't you rather I spend that short time with someone who I love and who makes me happy?"

Maddie's parents are as shocked as I am. I haven't seen Maddie angry before; it's not an experience I'd choose to repeat. But now, now, I feel even more in love with her. I think about the small, black velvet package I have hidden away in my suitcase and decide that now is as a good time as any. I sneak upstairs to retrieve it…

I root through my suitcase, looking for this package, when Maddie bursts into the room.

"Good idea," she says when she sees me at my suitcase. "Let's get back to Alphabet City."

"Actually, I was thinking of taking a little detour to… Scarsdale." Maddie turns around, shocked.

"You want me to meet your parents?" I can tell she's flattered. "But I thought you said you don't want to see them again."

"I think that's appropriate, for my parents to meet the only woman I want to marry," I hold out the ring that I had to sell three films to afford. Maddie doesn't speak, she just bursts into tears.

"Of course!" We fall into each other's arms, laughing and kissing.

"I'll just call my mother," I say.

"I'll tell my family," Maddie bounces away giddily. I pick up the phone, and dial the number I haven't used in years.

"Hello?" my mother answers.

"Hi, Ma, it's me."

"MARK! Mark, darling, how _are_ you? It's been so _long_!" my mother squawks, almost blowing out my ear drum.

"I'm fine, Ma, just fine. I just wanted to say I'm going to come visit you guys. I hope to be there in time to help you light the menorah."

"You're coming tonight? In time to light the menorah? Mark, sweetie, that's great!"

"Yeah, and I'm also bringing a guest along."

"A guest, too? Well, I'd better get busy. See you soon, baby!" My mother then hangs up on me, before I can manage to explain who my guest is. I breathe a sigh- calling her up was the easy part.

**A/N: I know all my repeat readers will be excited- an engagement AND Mark's mom in the same chapter? I hope that shows in your reviews (hint, hint)… Next chapter will contain the long-awaited trip to the Cohens, with all the characters that that implies making appearances. That'll be up as soon as I can manage, I start school in a couple days (UGGGGGGH). Happy Labor Day, guys!**


	12. Chapter 12: The Wicked Witch of the West

Chapter 12- The Wicked Witch of the West

December 26th, 1991, 3 p.m. Eastern Standard Time

Maddie and I have been driving now for a couple of hours. Right now, of course, we're stuck in traffic on the New Jersey Turnpike. This really frustrates me- I've never been great when it comes to driving, and I'm already nervous because of our travel destination. I know I haven't spoken to my mother in a couple of years, but I'm still nervous about how they will react to Maddie, especially after Maddie's parents' reaction to me. They seemed a lot more normal that my own family…

Suddenly, I feel Maddie tense beside me. "Mark?"

"What is it, Mads?" Now I'm tense too.

"How is your mom with cleaning?" I laugh.

"Ma's a complete germophobe. She won't let anyone into her house who's sick." Now Maddie breathes a sigh of relief. "What?"

"Mark, I can't get exposed to any viruses or anything like that. Though I'm in remission, I still have to be careful."

"Oh, okay. Well, anyway, you'll be fine. Even Cindy leaves her kids at home when they're sick, because she understands about Roger."

Finally traffic starts moving again, and we're on our way. As we drive past the exits for New York City, I say, "We don't have to do this, Maddie."

"Sure we do," Maddie grins. "I suffered through a visit with my parents, now I want to see yours." She gives me the puppy-dog eyes. "Pwease, Marky?"

"You've spent too much time with Mo," I mutter.

"Yes, Mark, I've been forever corrupted by your friends," Maddie puts a hand to her forehead, pretending to moan.

"Ha, ha."

"Oh, you know you love me," Maddie smiles.

"I know, I wouldn't be going back if I didn't love you."

"Why don't you ever talk to your mom and dad, Mark?"

"My parents… are everything I'm not. Everything I've ever hated. My dad worships at the feet of Ronald Reagan, and when I was nine he told me that all fags go to hell after they die of AIDS." Maddie's mouth drops open. "I know. We've never been able to agree on anything, my dad and I. He was always furious at me because I never went out for any sports. My sister played about a million sports and still did well enough in school to get a free ride to SUNY. She was Dad's golden girl. I was never good enough for him, I got into fucking Brown and he still yelled at me for not joining the Marines!"

I just now realize I'm shaking with anger- I haven't vented about my father in a long, long time. Maddie just pats my shoulder as she checks her wig in the rear view mirror to make sure it's straight. I wonder how I'll tell my family that my girlfriend- fiance- is a cancer patient.

"He also drinks like you wouldn't believe, so he's even less pleasant most of the time."

"My dad used to be an alcoholic," Maddie nods.

"As for my mom, politically she just followed my dad, but she was so adamant about me working hard in school. The complete opposite of my dad that way. But other than that, she never stood her ground. She was one of those totally suffocating moms- always hugging and kissing and standing over my shoulder checking on what I'm doing." I shake my head. "How my sister and I came out such liberals I'll never know."

Maddie just kisses my cheek. "Poor Marky. Have I mentioned that my family's not perfect either?"

"No, I learned that the hard way," I wince.

Within twenty minutes, I pull into my parents' driveway. As soon as the car shudders to a halt, my nephews bolt out the front door.

"Uncle Mark! Uncle Mark!" They attach themselves to my legs, so I can't help Maddie lug our suitcases out of the trunk. I can't believe they still remember me. It's been at least five years since I came home.

"Hey, Aaron, Jared! How are you guys?" I say, prying them off me. They then see Maddie and have to run over to give her a closer look.

"Who's she, Uncle Mark? Your girlfriend?" Aaron, the older one, says.

"You learn fast, bud," Maddie grins. "I'm your Uncle Mark's friend, Maddie."

"Hi, Maddie," the boys chorus.

Now my sister runs outside, looking exactly like she did the last time I was home, but she's holding my little niece in her arms.

"Mark!" she yells, and runs over to see me.

"Hey, Cin, how are you?" I give her a kiss. "And who's this little beauty?"

"This is Audrey," my sister smiles. "My latest bundle of sleep deprivation." It's good to see my sister again, much as I wouldn't like to admit it.

"I _thought_ you'd be bringing home a new girlfriend," she says, noticing Maddie.

"Oh, right. Mads, this is my sister, Cindy Cohen-Jackson. Cin, this is my girlfriend Maddie Parker." They smile and greet each other. "Where's Ma, Cin?"

"In the kitchen, probably."

"How's Dad?" My sister rolls her eyes.

"Drunk out of his mind. Be prepared for a less-than-joyful homecoming- he's not exactly going to kill the fatted calf for his prodigal son."

Our discussion is interrupted by a scream from the front door.

"_MARK!"_

My mother makes her traditional greeting from the front stoop. "Come here, son, you'll catch your death!" With that, Maddie and I head towards my mother's house.

"Hi, Ma," I say, smiling sheepishly as I give her a hug.

"'Hi, Ma?' That's all you can say after five years? Give me a kiss, Mark." I do, and then my mom sees Maddie. "Who's this, dear?'

"Oh, I'm sorry. Ma, this is Maddie Parker, my… girlfriend." It's too soon to tell Ma that Maddie and I are engaged. "Mads, this is my mom."

"I'm so glad to finally meet you, Mrs. Cohen." Maddie shakes my mom's hand.

"I'm so glad I could finally meet one of Mark's friends," Ma smiles sweetly. "Come inside, dears, It's almost time for dinner."

When we go inside, Maddie seems to become a deer in the headlights- all eyes and no noise. She observes silently the surroundings that I mindlessly passed for seventeen years. She grins when she sees a family portrait of us when I was twelve- I wince. I wasn't a very attractive teenager, which didn't help my already faltering self-esteem.

I hear a noise from behind me, turn and see the face I've been dreading all these years.

My dad sits in the corner, uncharacteristically quiet as he watches Maddie. When my dad's quiet, that's never good. That means he's probably drunk, and my dad is not a pleasant drunk. Finally he speaks- "Who the hell are you?"

Maddie spins around, shocked by the question. "I'm Maddie," she squeaks, finally. "Maddie Parker. I'm Mark's… girlfriend." My dad grunts and his gaze swings towards me. "How're you?"

"Fine, Dad." I say.

"Still living with those bums and low-lives?"

"Yes, Dad, Roger and Collins are still my roommates," I have to swallow my smile.

"Don't you smirk at me like that. You're nothing but a bleeding-heart commie film-making dropout." My smile disappears. Suddenly all the reasons I ever had for running away rush back. My instinct is to back up to the wall and beg for him not to hurt me, but the touch of Maddie's hand stops me.

"And _you!_" my father slurs at Maddie. "What's wrong with you, missy? How dare you come into my house, you little _shiksa?_ What makes you want to spend time with the little pansy who calls himself my son?"

Now I see my mom trying to head off my father. "Now, Harry, please, she's a guest…" I forgot how afraid my mother always sounded what she spoke to Dad.

"_I_ didn't invite her here. I don't know why she wastes time on him- he's probably not even that good in bed." He lets this sink in, and examines Maddie quietly for a moment. "She's not half bad looking, though, is she, Lisa? Especially her pretty red hair." My dad reaches out to touch her hair, but, since he's drunk, inadvertently knocks the whole wig clean off Maddie's head.

My mother's house has never been this quiet before. Even my nephews don't know what to say. The only noise comes from Maddie, who has burst into quiet sobs.

Finally, my mother tiredly leads my dad upstairs and locks him in her bedroom. The boys head towards the TV. Once they're both gone, my sister walks over slowly and gives both Maddie and me huge hugs.

"So," my sister asks Maddie. "You're a cancer patient?"

"Yeah…" Maddie says tiredly. "I've been undergoing treatment for leukemia for two years now. I just forget sometimes that not everyone knows."

Cindy nods reassuringly and smiles at me. "I noticed the ring when you guys came in," she grins. "I'm so happy for you Marky!"

"Thanks, Cin," I say, relieved that someone in my family is pleased about all this.

"We'll probably eat without Dad, so that's a perfect time to tell Ma. She'll probably be thrilled, just because it's you, Mark. She's always wanted to see you married, ever since Nanette." I roll my eyes at the mention of my girlfriend in the early part of high school. Maddie giggles, remembering the story of how I learned to tango. "And she'll figure out how to tell Dad."

"Tell Dad what?" my mom asks as she comes down the stairs. Maddie smiles and simply holds up her left hand. My mom squeals and starts chattering merrily in Yiddish, a language of which I can only say a few words. Cindy rolls her eyes at me, and we head for the dining room, where we finally sit down for a slightly cold supper.

**A/N: So… that wasn't overly dramatic or anything like that… Anyone agree with my interpretation of Mark's home life? That's how I always imagined it. Hope you all enjoyed it, anyway. **


	13. Chapter 13: The Point of No Return

Chapter 13- The Point of No Return

**A/N: Terribly sorry, I've been SO busy and this chapter was really hard to write! So here's an update for everyone!**

**Disclaimer- Neither Rent nor the Phantom lyrics I borrowed are mine. **

Dinner at my parents' house has never been a barrel of laughs, even under the best of circumstances. I've had many uncomfortable dinners with them, but this dinner completely takes the cake. Poor Maddie looks like someone has thrown a brick at her face. There is so much that needs to be said, but no one wants to be first to open their mouth. I clear my throat, breaking the silence.

"So… Maddie," I say, overly heartily. "Why don't you tell my mom and Cindy about school?" Maddie sighs and nods.

"Yeah, I'm a junior at NYU," Maddie says. Cindy pricks up her ears; she's a guidance counselor at some high school and loves college talk. I knew they'd hit it off. My mother listens silently, bemused.

I try to strike up a conversation with my nephews. "So… uh, guys, how's school going? Doing any sports?" They smile and start babbling about soccer, which is practically a foreign language where I'm concerned. But I try to listen anyway, mainly because letting them talk makes me free to think. In a moment or two, the boys run out of things to say, and another awkward silence ensues. I weigh the chances of Maddie and me getting out alive after my father wakes up- which are, at best, slim.

"Ma," I venture, "I don't think Maddie and I should stay here tonight, do you?"

My mother stops and thinks quietly. All eyes are on her as she finally shakes her head "no."

"Mark, to be honest, I don't think there's any room in my place, either. Don's parents are in town, too. You might just want to get a hotel room," Cindy winks at me. I can feel my face getting red, and I can see Maddie shifting in her seat. We've never had much discussion about sex, as neither of us really feel comfortable talking about it yet.

Cindy sees this and laughs, and leans over to me and whispers, "Come on, Marky, you'll have to do it sometime. Don't be such a wuss. Or have you gotten so used to jacking off that you can't imagine doing it with a woman?" I have to smack her now, Maddie tries very, very hard not to laugh, and my mother pretends to ignore us.

Eventually, Maddie and I finally manage to escape into the night, away from my parents' house. My mom actually forces money into my hand so that we can book a room in the nearest Hilton, a ridiculous luxury for the likes of us. Both Maddie and I are totally mortified, like two teenagers playing "Spin the Bottle."

"Well, that wasn't embarrassing at all," Maddie sighs as we get in the car.

"Yeah, I know. I think we're even again."

"God, Mark, I thought MY family was dysfunctional. Can you imagine what it will be like at our wedding?" I don't know if I want to, and then it occurs to me what she just said.

"God, that sounds weird. 'Our wedding.' Surreal, isn't it?"

"I guess it's really happening now, though I still don't believe it," Maddie grins. "I detach from life almost as much as you do, you know. I wish I was good with cameras, though. I never got a lot of experience with them, especially not proper film cameras. Can't remember the last time we made a home movie in my family."

"I know what you mean. No one else in my family took much care in pictures, either. You saw what my mom has on her wall. No one looks good in photos like that."

Before we know it, we're at the Hilton, and I immediately want to pull away and race back to Alphabet City. Maddie's kind of tense, too. It occurs to me that she probably is really going mad right now, thinking about losing her virginity. As I've known her for such a short time, I feel guilty with the idea of taking that moment away from her.

"We don't have to do this, you know," I say. Maddie smiles weakly.

"Mark, first of all, when would we ever get time alone with Roger and Collins in the loft?"

"You have your own apartment, Mads-"

"Plus, your mom is paying for this. She wants to make it up to us. Don't worry about me, Mark," she says, knowing me all too well. "I'm ready for this. I want this moment, Mark, and I want it to be special with you. Stop trying to talk me out of it. no second thoughts, I've decided, decided…"

She kisses me to put her point across, and all my worries fly away. Convinced, I get out the car, hand the valet the keys (I can't believe they have a fucking valet!), and walk into the hotel lobby. Maddie follows, humming something that sounds suspiciously like Phantom of the Opera.

"Yes, sir, madam. Can I help you?" the concierge calls to us from the desk.

"Yeah, I'm here for a room for tonight," I say, trying to sound like I've passed puberty. "It's already reserved under 'Cohen.' C-O-H-E-N."

"Very good, sir. Single bed, I presume?" I immediately start to blush.

"Yes, thank you," Maddie says for me.

"Very good madam." He hands us the keys, whispers, "Good luck!" and sends us on our way.

"How does he know?" Maddie whispers. I think I know.

"I'm going to KILL Ma and Cindy," I mutter.

The room is nicer than anything I've ever seen before. Maddie and I gasp when we walk in. There's a bottle of champagne in the corner. Love songs are sawing away on the radio. I think any item in the room could pay for my friends' AZT for at least a week.

"Wow," Maddie whispers. She's almost crying.

"Are you okay, Mads?" I take her in my arms.

"I'm crying cause I'm _happy_, Mark. This is beautiful."

"So are you," I say, without skipping a beat. I kiss her before she can disagree.

The John Lennon song "Oh My Love" starts playing on the radio, and Maddie breaks off the kiss to laugh.

"It's my aura. My friends used to say that every time they thought of me, a Beatles song started playing on the radio."

"Well, I'm thinking of you," I say, kissing her again. "I never stop thinking about you."

"And I never stop thinking about you," Maddie says. Amazing how you can say "I love you" without needing to say "I love you."

But I say it anyway, as I help Maddie take off her shirt. I say it again as I kiss her beautiful collarbone. (I've always had a strange fascination with collarbones; they're what make women beautiful for me.)

I take it slow and gentle for Maddie- I haven't forgotten it's her first time. Maddie's kisses reassure me and heighten my pleasure, she decides to count all the freckles and other marks on my body. After what feels at the same time like an eternity and a second, it finally ends. It's been _years_ since I've had sex with a woman, but I haven't forgotten. In fact, it was even better than I remember- sex with Maureen was much more rough and urgent.

I look over at Maddie, whose face is even redder than I've ever seen before. Maddie always says she can't blush, but that is certainly untrue. As I move over and put my arm around her, she visibly winces.

"Are you all right?" I ask, kissing her on the forehead. She nods, though I can see her blinking back tears.

"It does hurt," she admits in hushed tones. "Not awful, but… you know."

"I understand," I say, kissing her softly again. "Was it worth it?"

"Yes, of course," she says, smacking me with a pillow. Then, Maddie starts giggling again.

"What?" I ask. Maddie grins at me.

"I've had this tune stuck in my head all night, and I only just realized what it was. It's "The Point of No Return" from Phantom of the Opera."

"The sex song?" I say, remembering something from a show with Maureen. Maddie giggles.

"I guess you could call it that, yeah. But I love it. _The bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn…_" Maddie sings softly.

I kiss her just as softly. We truly are past the point of no return.


	14. Chapter 14: Turn Me On

December 27th, 1991 8 a.m. Eastern Standard Time

The bright sunlight streaming in from the window burns my blurry gaze. The loft is never this well lit- so it takes me a moment to remember where we are. I fumble for my glasses. When everything comes back into focus, I roll over and see that I am alone in the bed. Alarmed (after dating Maureen for years) I look around the room, frantically. But Maddie is merely sitting in the corner, scribbling away as she occasionally glances out of the open window. She hasn't noticed yet that I am awake. I silently sit up and retrieve my camera- even when I have sex, I don't like to keep it far from me.

As the camera whirs to life, Maddie turns and sees me. She beams. "Good morning, Mark."

"Hey. You sleep well?" She grins even more.

"You would know." Laughing, I toss a pillow at her. She catches it and sticks out her tongue at me.

"You're so mature."

"So, we survived this vacation," Maddie changes the subject.

"Oy, don't remind me. I'd almost forgotten how crazy yesterday was."

"Do you want to go back there one more time, before we go back to the City?"

"Honestly, no. But I feel like we should, just once. I'd like to see him sober once. Before the wedding."

"When do we want to have the wedding?" Maddie's eyes light up- she's so thrilled about us. "I mean, ideally we should wait until I graduate, but that's a whole year and a half away…" Maddie doesn't complete the thought, but I know well enough what she's thinking.

"Don't worry," I whisper. She beams again and flutters toward me, and as she sits beside me I kiss her naked forehead.

"I can never worry when I'm with you," she murmurs, looking up into my eyes. She kisses me on the lips.

"Mmmm."

"Speaking of which," Maddie says, "shall we order breakfast?"

"Yeah. Who do you have to screw to get some Cap'n Crunch?" Maddie bats her eyelashes demurely. "Oh, really? I might have to take you up on that…"

Out of politeness, I shut the camera off.


	15. Chapter 15: Until I Crawl to Your Door

**A/N: It's ALIIIIIIIIIVE! I finally got back into the groove. I don't know if anyone will even bother to read this anymore, but this chapter took a lot of thinking and work. **

December 27h, 1991 10:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time

After a couple false starts, breakfast and getting ready, Maddie and I are finally ready to leave the Hilton. However, for once in my life, I want to make things right with my parents. I pick up the phone and dial their number. I'm so used to people screening their calls that I'm taken by surprise when my mom picks up the phone on the second ring.

"Hi, Ma," I say, my voice cracking a little.

"Mark! I thought for sure you'd given up on us."

"Nah. Mads and I are actually going back home soon, but we wanted to swing by and say goodbye. Is that all right? Has Dad cooled off yet?"

"I think so. Your sister and I both bawled him out after you left, so he should be civil. You might even get an apology."

"A Christmas miracle, huh? Anyway, I'll see you in a couple minutes."

I hung up the phone, and looked back up at Maddie. I notice that she's not wearing her wig.

"There's no use hiding it anymore, Mark. Your parents know, there's no use covering it up." I nod and shoulder my duffel bag of clothes. I forgot that Maddie and I weren't planning to be back until New Year's- I packed way too much.

We climb back into Maddie's car after confirming with the maitre' d that we're not paying for last night. Once again, I drive as Maddie's already taken her pills for the day.

"I can't believe I'm going back. I keep going back there, even though my dad always says such hurtful things to me. I thought I was smarter than that."

"Well, maybe sometimes your heart has to overrule your head," Maddie said wisely. "Still, it could be worse."

"Oh, really?"

"Your dad could have said those things to you sober." And, instantly, my life goes back into perspective.

"Mark? Has your dad ever… hit you? Y'know, gotten violent?"

I sigh. "…He's an alcoholic. He can't control himself. You saw him yesterday."

"I can't believe you're making excuses for him now…. Those marks on your ribs that I saw last night- are those from him?"

"Those are from the last time I came home. Five years ago. The day I dropped out of Brown. The next day I moved to New York."

"Damn. You still have marks from five years ago? What did he do to you?"

"It's not important now."

"No wonder you don't talk about him."

Suddenly, we're back at the house. This time, when we arrive at the house, my nephews aren't here to greet us. We go as fast as we can on the icy walk, holding each other up. I ring the doorbell, but we don't wait for my mom to open the door- I'm too worried about Maddie catching cold.

The house is pretty quiet. My mom comes bustling out of the kitchen. "Oh, good, it's you. Harry!" she calls up the stairs. "Your son is back." She turns back to us. "Come in, come in! Make yourself comfy!"

Maddie grins at me as we take off and hang up our coats. My mom leads us to my living room, where Maddie flop onto the old couch, which still looks and feels exactly the same way as I remember. (Knowing Ma, it's probably been in plastic wrap since the day I left.)

"I haven't gotten the chance to say _mazel tov_!" My mom beams from her seat across the coffee table from us.

"Th-thanks, Ma," I stammer, taken off guard.

"You're welcome. Now, I'd like to know a little more about my future daughter-in-law," she turned to Maddie, who looked the slightest bit uncomfortable.

"Well, um, you know the most important things about me. I'm a junior at NYU, I've had leukemia for three years… and I love your son very, very much." This last part came out almost as a whisper. I watched my mom soften- I really can't tell how she feels about Maddie yet.

"I know you must feel weird about me coming out of the blue and announcing that I was going to marry your son, and I understand that. But I really love him. I don't know how long I have, Mrs. Cohen, but I'd like to spend whatever time I have with him."

"Of course, dear," my mom says. I feel like she wanted to say something critical, but now she just doesn't have the heart. "Now, have you and Mark talked about the wedding?"

"Only very briefly," I answer, catching Maddie's eyes.

"When should it be? Next year? The year after?" She peered at Maddie, who probably had the most say on the matter.

"Well, I'm still in school, but… I definitely want to be married in the fall- September or October, when the weather's still golden… And I want to be married at home, just in case… my family can't get to New York." I knew what she was thinking, and she wasn't worried about her family. "…Is eight months too short a time to plan a wedding? A real, out-and-out wedding?"

"It shouldn't be," my mother conceded. I could see my tough old mom melting towards this bald stranger. I never thought Ma would trust anyone I brought home again after I made the mistake of inviting her to the loft and introducing her to Maureen, Roger and Collins. She left the loft, screaming in Yiddish, to hide behind the safety of my answering machine. But Maddie is different, a blind man could see that. Maybe my parents might see, too.

My mom suddenly stood up. "I'm going to see if I can convince your dad to apologize. Mazel tov again, Mark, Maddie." She hurried upstairs, and I could hear her calling for my dad.

"Mads, that was great!" I say, putting my arm around her and pulling her close. "I think my mom would marry you if she wasn't so worried about my sex life." Maddie rolled her eyes, giggling at me.

"She shouldn't be," Maddie whispered in my ear. I immediately turned twenty different shades of pink, especially when I saw my mother forcing my father down the stairs. Even though Dad's already passed judgment on my sex life, I still think it would be worse to flaunt the fact that Maddie and I are actually sleeping together now. I grab Maddie's hand, as a signal for her to stop. I learn over and whisper "I love you," before my father halts directly in front of me.

"Hi, Dad," I try.

"Good morning, Mr. Cohen," Maddie says, in her best perky voice. Dad acknowledges her, at least, with a grunt. At least she isn't ignored like his only son.

"Harry," my mother says, in her best Jewish-mother-guilt voice, "don't you have something to say to your son and future daughter-in-law?" Maddie and I exchange a glance there. It's not lost on my dad.

"What did you two come here for anyway?"

"Well," I clear my throat. I try to recall the speech I made up in the car. "I wanted you to know that I'd met someone, someone who I loved, and who loved me back. I wanted you to know to know I loved someone enough to marry them, even when there are major obstacles in our way. Maddie and I are going to build a new life together, if we can. And… I was offering you a way back into my life, my new life with that someone. I know we've had some major blowouts in the past. If you don't want to part of that new life, that's your call." I meet my mother's eyes. "But keep in mind that this is your last shot. If you'd like to continue our game of one-sided phone tag, then that's your call. Dad."

All of a sudden, I understand why Joanne's a lawyer. It's hard to deny the thrill of knowing you've won, that you've made the best argument. Maddie squeezes my arm- I can tell she's proud of me.

I watch my father squirm as he weighs his options, knowing where my mother's vote will fall. Finally he sighs.

"Son, I'm… sorry. For everything. I haven't been fair to you, and I certainly haven't been fair to your lady friend." I realize that Maddie's arm is wrapped around those scars on my ribs. I didn't even notice that they'd been bothering me until just this second. "Can you two forgive me?"

"I… I don't know, Dad," I say, honestly. "But I'm sure going to try." Maddie nodded.

"I'm going to try, too. Maybe I'll clean up my act. Your mother's wanted me to join AA for years." Dad rolled his eyes.

"My dad was in AA," Maddie says quietly. Dad silently stares at her, nods to himself. Finally I stand, pulling Maddie to her feet.

"All right, Dad, Mads and I are going to leave now. I'm glad we had this talk."

"Me too," he grumbles, more like the Dad I always knew. I smile at him, and give my mom a hug, lingering a little longer than I would have in the past.

"Call me," Ma says, looking me straight in the eye. "I mean it, Marky."

"I promise. We'll talk about the wedding." I can see my mother's thrilled about the prospect of seeing me marry. After standing for a moment in the foyer, enjoying the silence, Maddie and I turned and left my mother's house.

**A/N: So, I hope anyone who reads this likes it. Please let me know. Next chapter should be Mark and Maddie back in New York, to break the news to the Bohemians. The Wedding shouldn't be far off. We'll see.**


	16. Chapter 16: Got to Get You Into my Life

Chapter 16- Got to Get You Into my Life

December 27th, 1991, 3 p.m. Eastern Standard Time

We finally pull up in front of the loft. I don't go straight inside, though. I really don't feel like walking in on Roger and Mimi, which, knowing them, is exactly what I'd do if we were to waltz in. Instead, I go to the traditional phone booth.

"SPEAK!"

"Hey guys, it's me, Mark. Uhhh… Maddie and I are home three days early. I'm, uh, down at the phone booth, I just wanted to warn you that we're back, because I don't feel like walking in on you guys. Okay, see you in a sec."

I hang up the phone and turn to Maddie.

"You're shivering."

Maddie shrugs. "It's DECEMBER, Mark. It's cold. Of course I'm shivering."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. Let's just go inside. We need to tell them that we're engaged."

"Oh all right. Let's go." And I rush inside, pulling Maddie in behind me.

I don't bother with knocking- it's my loft too. Instead I use a more direct approach, sliding the door open and screaming, "ROGER! IF YOU'RE HAVING SEX, STOP! MADDIE'S HERE!!"

"God, could you be more annoying?" I open my eyes to see Roger and Mimi sitting, fully clothed, on the couch, laughing their asses. Collins is in the chair, smoking a joint and cracking up.

"Oh, hi, guys," I say as nonchalantly as I can. Maddie loses it, too.

"So why are you guys home early?" Mimi asks, after she's caught her breath. Maddie and I exchange glances.

"Let's just say that our parents are too… _alike_," Maddie finally says, skating around the events.

"We each went home and got into massive family blowouts over our relationship. My dad was drunk," I say flatly, and Roger and Collins immediately start to nod. They know about my issues with my father. "He called me a pansy and Maddie a _shiksa_." Mimi winces- even though we joked about this before the trip, it was weird to realize that that was exactly what happened. "Maddie's parents were definitely better than mine. Their criticism was all out of concern for her- how we've only known each other three weeks, for example."

"It doesn't matter, Mark. It was still unacceptable. They shouldn't have said it like that."

"Whatever, Mads. My dad actually apologized to us, which was a nice surprise. And my mom and Cindy put us up in a really nice hotel for the night."

"Oh really?" Roger snorts, and together he and Collins shout, "Bow-chikka-bow-wow!"

I start blushing and Maddie and Mimi roll their eyes in unison.

"Oh, and Mimi?" Maddie says, holding up her left hand.

"What?…ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" Mimi screeches. She pulls Mads in for a hug.

"What?" Roger and Collins are suddenly out of the loop. They look over at me and I nod.

"Maddie and I are engaged," I say, beaming at her.

"WHAT!?" Roger and Collins are in an uproar.

"My favorite student's marrying my favorite roommate?" Collins pulls Maddie and I into a bear hug.

"I'm part of the family now," Maddie's obviously thrilled.

"Congrats you guys! This calls for a celebration! Mark, you _are _drinking this time. No sitting out!"

I look over at my beautiful fiancee, who I know will not drink tonight. I hand her my beloved camera, and turn it on for her. "You may need this."


End file.
